god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
