I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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