i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
