I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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