He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
