Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
