I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
