you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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