Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
