I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize