My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize