I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
