At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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