I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
