My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
