I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
