I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
