if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
