apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
