Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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