What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
vagina is talking i cant
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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