dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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