so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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