youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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