I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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