I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
