proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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