i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think people are normalizing furries
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