**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
