She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I will be naked everywhere
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
