Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
