My friends, they love my intelligence
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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