I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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