so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I need to stop coming to work sober
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
