is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
