I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
