I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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