Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
we're so committed to being not committed
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize