I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
