My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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