Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His nipple licking is glorious
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