Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
be right there i have to get my cape
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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