I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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