My room smells like vodka and shame
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
