BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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