The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
