i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he shaved USA in his pubs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Dear god my vagina.
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