just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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