Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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