make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
