I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
