Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
