I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
