I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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