Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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