I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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