your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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