Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
