So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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