I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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