if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
